If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
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