FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
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