I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
