OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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