when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
