This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
