This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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