If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now