This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
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Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
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"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it