I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball