I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way