I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i love accidental penises.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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