I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
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It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
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Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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