Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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