my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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