Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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