How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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