Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Sext me about skeletons
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
