im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
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My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize