Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
