After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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