When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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