He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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