Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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