I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
