There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
