If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
