you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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