i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
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Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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