Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
