good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
