I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
