What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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