Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
