So drunk, too bad you don't want this
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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