just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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