The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
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