I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
