I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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