If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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