omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
