the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
No subtext here. People are naked.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
