I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
