I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
