Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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