I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
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