Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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