Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
