Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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