I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
