You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
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Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
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