just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
