your parents love me but you hate me
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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