my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
