It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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