He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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